January 20, 2013

Your heart in the game

So the first thing that happened is this morning I woke up to a text from Brian.  He is my brother from another mother.  His momma Ms. Louise raised Sean and I up on bologna and cheese and snacks after school.  All those afternoons and tense mornings me and him were living with a single mom.

The picture was of a Ravens crab outside ESPN zone.  At Baltimore's Inner Harbor, downtown.  It marked my heart.  Sean my brother texted right after that: 'At the beach to watch the game with dad.'  I cried a little then but didn't let on when I called to talk with our father.  It is January, time of the soul that our wounds release.  Last night watching Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World I cried these hard and deep sudden tears when Kiera Knightly finally talks to her mom and dad, and then her new niece.  I thought I was crying because of the ritual with Sepi up in Topanga Canyon yesterday and what that brought up.

And I guess I was. Because the magic brought up yesterday weaved me back and forth across the soul map of me.  Made me look at what I have tried to avoid. Christmas was so, so hard that I put up a little wall.  A little boulder there to get through the whirlwind time.  Four days home and that was all.  I knew if I allowed my true emotions in I couldn't do it, so I had to go forth, soldier marching.  I am contented with where I live, of that there is no doubt. I love California and my life here with a realness that shines from my skin. I am settled with the choices I have made and wish to go forward.  But it's time I take part in my own wisdom, too.  Move aside the little rock.  

I miss my dad.  He taught me football in 2002.  It became our thing, and in many ways it's what taught us to love one another as adults.  That's what we did in January together the past five years.  When mom would go to Mexico.  Football was our thing, me and him.  My dad, the eldest of five boys, two girls.  My dad who storytells so richly that I can feel his legs peddling at eleven years old to deliver those papers.  Can feel the hair on my neck stand the way his did when he used that paper money to go with his dad, the Colonel, to his first game with the Baltimore Colts.  Him, the Colonol, and my godfather Uncle Tim.  In this way, football, I have gotten to heal my connection to dad, to home, to that part of my heart, to my own maleness, to men.

His birthday is Tuesday.  My brother is there with him today, my sister-in-law Jamie and niece, too.  Sean is taking Jamie goose hunting tomorrow for the first time and I am so proud of her.  Talk about experiencing maleness and the land of home.  My dad will stay home all day with the babe.

So life goes...as does the heart.  I am thankful they are with him this weekend.  I am thankful, so thankful for my life and all its funny ways.  I am thankful for change and being brave.  And I am stoked for my hometeam to fight hard.  That's got nothing to do with getting the win.

It's all about having your heart in the game.

1 comment:

jott said...

I'm not sure how I missed this one & am just now reading this but I think it is my most favorite post ever. Maybe it's because I get the daughter-father bond. Maybe because this time of year is so hard as it's the anniversary (10 years) of my dad passing & you wrote it 10 days before the day. Maybe its because it made me feel immediately connected to you, as if you were right next to me, even though you're thousands of miles away. Maybe it's my favorite for all those reasons. This one touched my soul. I love you kelly mc xoxoxo